She Who Wields the Skillet
by DreamWeaver007
Summary: Set during the Horcrux hunt, things change from there. After battling Nagini the snake, Hermione somehow winds up back to the time of Voldemort's first war. With a skillet in hand can she conquer the most evil wizard of all time? Will she bash Dumbledore on the head repeatedly while using his famous phrase "For the greater good", Will she find love in her time of despair? Read now!
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: SO to clarify first and foremost, I do not own any rights to the Harry Potter series. I have been an avid reader of some of the stories on this site and decided it was time to post one of my own. I am only a few chapters ahead and I plan on making weekly updates. Let me know what you think!

 _Present day_

"Run Harry!" Hermione screamed. A tall and thin boy with messy jet black hair followed the petite woman out of the crumbling room that had at one time belonged to him. They stopped for breath in the hallway as the house around them continued to shake.

"Hermione! Hermione!" Harry gasped to get her attention. "We have to get out of here! That was his snake!" Harry all but shouted at her. Hermione looked at him as focus came back to her mind.

Suddenly the floor beneath their feet quaked in urgency. A crack formed in the carpet splitting the floor in two. The two teens were on opposite sides as the floor gave way and the snake they had run from slithered high in a cobra fashion. The snake only had eyes for Harry. He dodged its vicious strikes.

"Hermione go! Please just go!" the boy cried while jumping left from a strike.

"Think! Hermione think!" she whispered to herself while searching her pockets frantically for her wand.

' _Harry is the only one who can destroy Voldemort. He has to live, no matter the cost!'_ she thought to herself. With all of her strength she moved closer to the back of the snake.

"Harry! Listen! You must run as fast as you can!" she yelled to him while watching the snake.

"Hermione! Hermione what are you doing? Hermione! NO!" the boy yelled as Hermione jumped on the snake and dragging it out down to the bottom of the house that still shook.

"GO NOW HARRY!" she shrieked as he tried to grab for her down the hole.

At once the walls started shaking even more ferociously, Harry took off down the remaining hallway, down the steps and through the front door, just as the house finally collapsed.

Harry sank to his knees and shielded his head on the snow covered yard as the rubble and dust settled.

"Hermione! Hermione no!" the boy cried in shocked. He buried his head in his hands as he wept.

After a few moments he rose and took off back towards where the home had once sat.

"Hermione! Hermione can you hear me!" he shouted as he started to push away rock and rubble.

"Hermione!" he kept shouting. Minutes passed as he continued to move the debris.

A man suddenly appeared next to him.

"Harry! HARRY! She's gone! She's not here!" the man said while trying to grab hold of Harry.

"No she's here! She's buried! I have to find her!" he cried.

The man finally pulled Harry off the pile of rubble.

Harry quickly turned around to see who had pulled him off. At the sight of his old professor and friend he collapsed in the man arms and wept the loss of best friend.

"There, there Harry. Hermione wouldn't want you to weep. She's not dead Harry. She is gone but not dead." Remus Lupin whispered while soothing the teenager on the ground.

"She is dead Remus! She saved my life! I watched her fall!" he cried.

"Listen to me. Harry! Listen to me!" the man snapped.

Harry turned his face up to stare at the man in front of him.

"Hermione is not dead. Her body will not be in that rubble." He said firmly.

'Than where is she? We have to find her! Remus! We have to find her now!" Harry screamed and jumped up while looking around as if waiting for her to appear.

"Harry. Do not mistake me. She is not dead but she is _gone._ " The man ended with a whisper.

"I don't understand. What do you mean gone?" Harry asked.

"If I am correct in my assumption. She has gone back to the night when you received that scar." Remus said while standing and brushing off his pants.

"What the bloody hell are you talking about! She can't go back in time! She doesn't have a time turner!" Harry yelled at the man. Harry started pacing around while pulling on his hair.

"Harry! HARRY! She has gone back! LOOK!" With those words, Remus pulled out his wand and summoned a compact mirror.

Harry stopped and walked back to Remus and looked at the mirror.

"What am I looking at Remus?" he asked as he stared at his tear stained red face.

"Your scar, Harry." He said softly.

Harry lifted his bangs and looked into the mirror and gasped.

"My…my scar….it's gone!" Harry said. "That's… that's not possible Remus!" he yelled.

'It is Harry." Remus said gravely.

As if the reality of the situation just hit him. Harry stumbled for a moment before blackness overcame him.

"Oh dear." Remus said while bending down and grabbing the boy's arm. He apparated them to his safe house. Where his son and wife await.

Meanwhile…

 _October 31_ _st_ _, 1981._

A groan sounded out in the kitchen of a small home in Godric's Hollow. Hermione opened her eyes and shut them just as quick.

' _Who in the bloody hell made these lights so bright!_ ' she thought to herself. She tried to move and found she was able to. She slowly pushed herself up and onto her knees. Flexing her wrist as she did.

' _Well…everything seems to be accounted for. No broken bones from the looks of it. God my head is killing me! Wait! Harry! The snake! Shit!'_ With those thoughts her eyes popped open and she jumped to her feet. She looked around the kitchen. _'I could've sworn…'_ Her thoughts broke as voices reached her ears. Looking around in sudden panic she grabbed the closest thing to a weapon she could find. A large iron skillet.

Hermione creeped closer to the exit of the kitchen. She peaked around the corner and saw into what looked like a dining room. Just on the other side of a long wooden dining table she saw Harry and a dark cloaked figure. She gasped and popped her head back into the kitchen and leaned it against the wall trying to breathe.

' _Shit! Shit! Bloody fucking shit! It's him! It's Fucking Voldemort! What do I do? What do I do?'_ she thought to herself while bringing the frying pan to her chest.

"Any last words Potter?" the cold voice said while echoing in Hermione's ears.

' _Are you a Gryffindor or not?'_ she thought to herself and quietly with a deep breath she pushed the door open. She could see Voldemort's back facing her and Harry's face set in defiance as Voldemort raised his wand.

' _Harry cannot die!.'_ With a look of pure hated and determination on her face, she let the rage she never knew she possessed aid her in her first step.

"Very Well than Avada…" Voldemort started.

With a warrior like cry, Hermione sailed across the room and lifted her weapon of choice and bashed the skillet right into the skull of the most hated and evil wizard to ever roam the this planet.

"What the…"James Potter stood standing in his dining room watching the scene unfold with his jaw hanging open.

James Potter after he recovers from shock, later says: "It was like nothing you've ever seen before. This blur with a lion's mane came charging out of the kitchen with a skillet! A bloody skillet and attacked! If you could've seen the look on old Moldy Short's face! It was bloody brilliant! The best part was after she had wacked him to the ground she dropped the pan and straddled him! Bloody straddled him and started hitting him and strangling him! She bloody well strangled him! He was knocked out unconscious and there she bloody is cursing his mother and strangling him! To be perfectly honest I never knew a girl could ever know such colorful language! She was a bloody sailor mouth! Mate, I tell ya if I wasn't so in love with my lily flower…this girl would've captured my bloody heart in that moment!"


	2. Chapter 2

A/N One more time, I do not own the Harry Potter series. All around I think it was pretty good start! Thank you for those who reviewed, favorited and followed. You all are the reason I am posting chapter two today instead of later on this week! Just a heads up I may have gone a little overboard but….we will see what happens! Here's Chapter 2 enjoy!

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As Hermione continues to beat the living daylights out of our dear friend Moldy….

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"James! James!" a hysterical voice from outside shouts. James is snapped out of his stupor by the voice of his best friend.

"Padfoot!" James yells back while rushing to the front door.

James swung the door open and was immediately engulfed in a bear hug from his best mate Sirius Black.

"James! Dumbledore said you were dead! I had to come check, but you're here you're really here! You're alive!" Sirius spoke fast while patting his cheeks and ruffling his hair as if to be sure he was really there.

"It was a close one Sirius! Voldemort had me at wand point! He was going in for the kill when all of sudden this girl comes flying in and attacks him! A skillet Sirius! She used a bloody skillet!" James exclaimed.

"Prongs mate… are you feeling alright? I'm pretty sure I heard you say a girl attacked old Moldy with a skillet? Have you been hitting the Firewhiskey again?" Sirius asked as he gripped James' chin and checking his eyes.

"It's true! Come look! She's been going at it for the last twenty minutes!" James said while pulling Sirius into the house.

The sight made Sirius's eyes bulge out of their sockets.

"Stupid! Stupid bloody fucking tyrant! You think its ok to annihilate an entire race of people? Yeah? Well it is NOT ok! It's terrible and rude and irre-fuckin-sponsible! They say you're a genius but that's pretty fucking stupid! Don't you know anything! And another thing! How dare you try to kill my best friend! What did he ever do to you? Huh? And poor Ginny! She had a crush on you and you ruined her first crush! Do you know how long it took her to get over that? Harry doesn't count because she didn't really know him at the time but stil! It is NOT ok to go around bloody well possessing small girls you baffling ignorant pervert! Oh OH! And Kreature! Poor Kreature! You fuckin abused him and now his mind is even more twisted and turned inside out! Don't you know that elves have rights too! You pansy ass! You think its ok step on those smaller than you! Well let me tell you mister 'I am so powerful because I am the great motherfucking descendant of Salazar Slytherin! I am a MUGGLEBORN and I beat your OWLs! That's right I took ten O's and one E! Compare that to your what? Nine OWLS! HA! That's right I saw your stupid little trophy! So there! Stupid bloody fucking piece of shit!"

At this point in time Hermione has…ahem…lost her marbles so to speak. She has thankfully moved on from giving him permanent head damage to kicking and breaking his ribs along with ensuring he is to never…ahem….reproduce.

James starts laughing uncontrollably as Sirius stands in the previous position James was in. Eyes wide and jaw hanging open.

.

 _Meanwhile…_

 _Upstairs in young Harry's bedroom…_

.

"There we go Harry. That should do it!" Lily Potter said while wiping her hands clean after all of the protective shields she placed on the door and room. She walked around the pointed arrows aimed at the door, beyond the machine guns ready to go off if it opens, and picked up a summoned bazooka and sat down next to Harry's crib aimed at the ready.

"No one short of Merlin himself is getting through that door!" she said while looking to her young son sleeping in his crib with a helmet on his head, in case of any explosions of course.

"I do hope your father is alright" she said worriedly while looking back towards the door adjusting her own helmet.

.

 _Back downstairs….._

 _._

"Shit! I forgot about Lily and Harry! I'll be right back Pads! Don't let them out of your sight!" James said while quickly taking two steps at a time.

"Huh?" Sirius said while taking a quick look around.

"James? Now where did he go?" Sirius asked while walking around the beautiful yet…crazy girl who seems keen on punching her way through the intestines of the dark wizard. Sirius made his way into the kitchen to make some popcorn.

"Now Lily said all I have to do is just hit….Aha! Popcorn button there you are!" He exclaimed in joy as the microwave lit up and started to hum.

With popcorn in hand, Sirius made his way back into the dining room and took a seat at the table while watching the girl who was showing some remarkable stamina.

"That's right sweetheart! Use that left hook!" he cheered.

.

 _And back upstairs….._

 _._

"Lily? LILY!" James called out while opening doors. "Oh Lily flower! Where are you?" he called again.

James checked the main bedroom, the spare bedroom, the bathroom and bath tub. Scratching his head he comes to the nursery. He tried the door but found it was locked. He knocked on it.

"Lily?" he said in confusion.

Inside the nursery, Lily jumbled held bazooka and held it close to her chest. Her helmet slipped down her forehead and covered her left eye.

"Who…Who is it?" she called out in uncertainty.

"It's the Bee Gees…who do you think it is? It's James love. Open the door we are safe." He called back.

"What's the code?" she asked prepping her bazooka and pulling her wand out for back up.

"Oh come on Lily! It's me. Don't make me say it!" James said while pouting.

The pouting went unnoticed through the door as Lily scowled.

"How do I know it's really you and not Voldemort! He could be pretending to be you!" she screeched.

During the screeching Harry deemed it necessary to open one of his eyes and took a peek at what was going on. Sitting up, he rubbed one eye with a tiny fist as a huge yawn took over his face.

With a sigh James began to mumble.

"I can't hear you!" Lily yelled through the door.

"Bloody women and their stupid codes."

With a clearing of his throat he began.

"Sittin' here eating my heart out baby…waiting for some lover to call. Dialed about a thousand numbers lately. Almost rang the phone off the wall." He stopped while the blush creeped up his neck to his cheeks.

"And…" Lily prompted with a smirk.

"Lookin' for some hot stuff, baby this evenin'. I need some hot stuff baby tonight. I want some hot stuff, baby this evenin. Gotta have some hot stuff, gotta have some love tonight!" James finished with a bellow so loud that Sirius and Hermione both paused and looked up.

"Now will you please open this damn door before I die of embarrassment" James yelled through the door.

"Ok…ok just a minute love." She replied while setting her bazooka aside. With one last solemn look at the heavy artillery, she sighed and began to dismantle.

 _CRASH! BANG!_

"Bloody hell! Stupid machine guns. Ow….bloody arrows." Lily said while attempting to disassemble her booby traps. If she were to use magic there was a slight chance something would go boom, so it's much safer this way.

"Bloody hell", young Harry yelled while clapping his hands together.

"Shit! No Harry that's a bad word! Don't say that!" Lily said shushing the small child.

"Shit!" Harry said giggling.

"NO! No Harry those are bad words! Don't repeat mummy! Mummy bad!" Lily said desperately afraid James would hear. If James were to learn that Lily taught there son how to cuss, well the humiliation alone may just kill her.

Harry looked at Lily with his head turned to the side. As if he was mocking her. Lily stuck out her tongue in retaliation and young Harry fell back in a fit of giggles.

"Umm…. Lily?" came James' voice through the door.

"Coming! Hold your horses!" she yelled.

"Lily I keep telling you I don't have any horses?" James said while scratching his head.

"Magic folk", Lily hmphed.

Finally, Lily made her way to the door and took out her wand to dismantle the curses, hexes and wards she had placed beforehand.

"Took you long enough!" James exclaimed as the door opened.

Lily sent him a death glare.

"Um….Lily flower….Were you playing with those Dun things your father sent you?" James asked while looking around her with eyes wide at the machinery.

"Heh…. Well it never hurts to be prepared!" Lily said while removing her helmet and finger combing her long red hair.

"Right…." James said in a tight voice as he carefully maneuvered himself around the arrows still facing them, to get to Harry.

.

 _Back downstairs…._

 _._

"Stupid….bastard", Hermione whispered through a yawn with a light slap to Voldemort's face.

After a near hour of non-stop beating and cussing the young woman finally wore herself out. Her head fell on Voldemort's chest with a loud snore.

Sirius who had gotten bored after finishing his popcorn was leaning back on his chair trying to balance his wand on his nose.

"SIRIUS!" James shouted while coming back down the stairs. Sirius, who was so close to keeping it balanced fell back on the floor, taking the chair with him.

"Dammit James! I was so close!" he yelled while scrambling to his feet.

"Close to what? And what happened to the skillet wielder?" James asked while looking down at the couple that seemed to be snuggling?

"Skillet what?" came the voice of Lily. Lily had followed behind James with baby Harry in her arms.

"Woah! Who are they?" she asked while looking at the blood soaked couple.

"Lily let me introduce you to the Skillet Wielder and Lord Moldy Shorts!" James said proudly.

"VOLDEMORT!" Lily screamed while springing into action. She passed Harry to James and took out her wand and shouted "PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!" to the bodies on the floor.

"There! Now we can call the authorities!" Lily said quite happily twirling her wand, while walking towards her fireplace to floo some kind of authority.

During Lily's scream, Hermione shot up to her knees, unfortunately dear Hermione was back to straddling Voldemort when the spell took.

James, Harry and Sirius all stood staring at the frozen couple. Sirius being the Gryffindor he is moved closer at a snail's pace. Once Sirius was close enough to look at the young girl's face, he flinched back in an instant.

"What? What is it Padfoot?" James asked, while adjusting Harry in his arms.

"James….by the look in her eyes, I think it's safe to say that you may be a very young widow. Sorry mate." Sirius said with a grimace.

"Oh boy…" James said grimacing back.

"Bloody Hell!" young Harry yelled and clapped his hands, shocking both men even more.

.

.

.

Later on, Lord Voldemort himself was questioned about the…incident.

"Lord Voldemort, in that moment of attack and continuous beating, how did you feel?" an unknown voice asked.

"Mumbles."

"I see…and why do you think she attacked you with a skillet?" the voice asked.

"Mumbles…groan…more mumbles."

"Were you aware that she beat your OWL record?" the voice asked.

"…"

"Right than! Oh! Hello Hermione!" the voice said in fake cheer.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Voldemort screamed in an unexpected shrill! He jumped from his seat and started swirling around every which way trying to prepare for an attack.

"Ha ha gotcha!" the voice said. Voldemort stopped and gave his deadliest death glare to the unknown voice.

'Right than…..moving on….um…heh… how does it feel knowing you were beat up by a girl?" the voice asked bravely while not looking at Voldemort.

SLAM!

The door closing around the office shuttered at the Dark Lords retreat.

"Mumbles….stupid reporter…..grrrr…..bloody skillets…more mumbles."

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A/N Well there's chapter two. Special shout out to Donna Summers and I hope she doesn't mind me using her lyrics! Up next Dumbledore, the Longbottoms and Hermione goes to jail? Also I seem to be having trouble trying to space the story. Any suggestions? See you next time!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N Welcome back! So this will be my final chapter for the week,,,,I think. Anyway, thank you to everyone who is now following, favoriting and reviewing. Before we begin I would like to give a few nods of appreciation to the following:

sassy973- I will update as much as possible.

Concrete63- bazookas, skillets and bright witches. I'm excited to see what will come from Lily and Hermione once they put their minds together.

To the guests and anon reviews- thank you!

Harmonic Wisp- I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Justaislinn- I think that is good direction for the end, but we will :)

Last but certainly not least:

Bitemedoll- You were the very first to review so thank you for that! As for why Dumbledore thinks they are dead….well that shall soon come up in the next few chapters. By the way excellent catch!

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Now I certainly do not own Harry Potter, although I wish did, but don't we all. This next chapter was originally split into two, but because the weekend is coming up I decided to combine chapters 3 and 4. I am also working on making my chapters longer. So we shall see how it goes. Also it is quite late here and I am proofreading with no caffeine. So please bare with me if there are any typos. Thank you! Now enough chitter chatter and on to the story!

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Minutes later, Lily came back into the dining room with three tall and burly looking men dressed in the signature blue Auror robes, followed by a very thin and short woman who wore a long turquois evening dress. Her black as night hair was very neatly braided to the middle of her back. Her dark eyes were lined with the darkest liner and her lips a subtle mauve.

"Hello Mr. Potter, Mr. Black. Mrs. Potter here says there is an urgent situation. What seems to be the problem" the woman asked while waving her wand. A small note pad and quick quill appeared and began taking notes. A firm scowl is planted on the woman's face.

"Amelia! Darling! Light to my miserable darkness. How I've missed you so!" Sirius exclaims while moving quickly towards the short woman. He picks her up and spins her around. The scowl on Amelia's face stayed firmly in place as he placed her back to the ground. Sirius's hands were dangerously low on her waist.

"Mr. Black! Kindly remove your hands from my person!" she snapped.

"But Amelia! I haven't seen you in so long!" Sirius said with a goofy grin.

"The 'so long' you speak of was this morning, when I once again sent you running with your tail tucked between your legs as you were crying your hair was on fire. And that's MISS BONES to you BLACK!" Amelia…hem…Miss Bones hissed out.

The three Aurors and James surrounding her couldn't help but laugh at the kicked puppy look on Sirius's face.

"Amelia! Why do you hate me so! We used to have so much fun together!" Sirius said with a wiggle of his eyebrows. The guys guffawed as Lily rolled her eyes.

"Enough with this nonsense!" Amelia snapped. All sound around her was silenced.

"Jeeze…looks like snogging the boss back in the day doesn't do you any favors, huh mate?" James whispered to Sirius as they both snickered.

.

Multiple things happened in that moment. The floo in the other room came alive once again, The three aurors couldn't contain their laughter and Amelia's face turned red as her left eye took on a vicious twitch. Lily quickly took Harry from James, to avoid the crossfire.

"Now see here Mr. Potter, whether you are on sabbatical or not does not mean that I am not your superior! I demand the full respect of my team at all times! None of this twittering about! Besides it was ONE TIME! I was drunk and sixteen! LET IT GO! IT WASN'T EVEN THAT GREAT OF A BLOODY SNOG ANYWAY!" she yelled.

"Not that great of a snog! I beg your pardon!" Sirius lost all of his famed humor in that moment.

"THAT'S RIGHT! You Sirius Black are a horrible snogger!" she yelled again.

"I WAS FOURTEEN! IT'S NOT MY BLOODY FAULT YOU PULLED ME INTO THAT BLOODY BROOM CLOSET!" He yelled back as his face turned purple.

"I'll have you know I am a marvelous snog! Women ADORE me!" he continued.

.

The two continued to bicker nose to nose as their audience watched on in amusement, completely unaware of the newcomer. James was placing bets with the aurors to see whether or no Amelia would hit Sirius. Lily had turned her back to the argument as if this was a daily occurrence.

"Same argument, different woman." Lily whispered to herself as she took Harry back upstairs to lay down for bed.

During this time, no one was paying attention to the couple still frozen on the other side of the dining room table. Voldemort had awoken to the strange sensation of being unable to move while Hermione was trying very hard to break the spell. She could twitch her pinky on her left hand, but that's about as far as she could get.

 _._

' _What the bloody fucking hell happened? Where am I? Why do I feel as if I was just in battle with a pack of werewolves? Who's the yelling bint and who the bloody fucking hell is on top of me! I COMMAND YOU TO GET OFF!'_ Voldemort shouted in his head.

' _Come on! COME ON! I need to get out of here!'_ she thought to herself as she willed all of the magic in her to break the spell.

' _Who the fuck thought it was a good idea to bind me? ME? I AM LORD FUCKIN VOLDEMORT AND I DO NOT GET PUT UNDER BINDING SPELLS! RELEASE ME! RELEASE ME NOW BEFORE I REALLY GET ANGRY!'_ Voldemort thought again.

He tried multiple non-verbal spells, but nothing worked. Out of frustration, he reached out to the closest mind around with Legilimency. It was much harder since he couldn't actually see anyone but the kitchen and unfortunately all he would be able to do is speak and listen to active thoughts. He would need full eye contact to dive any deeper.

The yelling escalated and Hermione doubled her efforts to break free.

' _I have no idea who these people are, but they don't sound very friendly'_ she thought.

' _Hello? You there! What the bloody fuck is going on? Who are you?'_ Voldemort asked.

' _What the? Great Hermione you've lost it. Here you are stuck, literally stuck to Voldemort as people you don't know are yelling all around you and now you are hearing voices. Fan fucking tastic. Where the hell is Harry? I swear if those people have done anything to him…wait! Shit! What if they're death eaters! FUCK FUCK FUCK! What if they spelled me to be stuck to their dead master! Wait…nope he's not moving…SHIT! I KILLED VOLDEMORT! Wait that's a good thing! YAY! VOLDEMORT IS DEAD! WAIT! NO BAD HERMIONE! BAD! WE CAN'T JUST GO AROUND KILLING PEOPLE! IT'S WRONG! I AM A GOOD GUY, I STUN AND HEX BUT DON'T KILL! Am I happy I killed him? Oh no…I am happy I killed him.I'm as bad as Bellatrix! I DON"T WANT TO BE LIKE BELLATRIX! SHE'S WORSE THAN THOSE BLOODY LOONEY TUNES MUM USED TO MAKE ME WATCH! I am not crazy. I am not crazy. Oh FUCKIN HELL GET ME OUT OF HERE!'_ Hermione thought hysterically.

.

Hermione was having a full blown panic attack at this point, unfortunately being frozen and all, no one but the Dark Lord noticed, and unlucky for her, she was giving him an even worse headache,

' _WILL YOU STOP THAT BLOODY BABBLING YOU INSOLENT CHIT'_ Voldemort thought loudly.

In fear, Hermione's mind went blank.

' _Who…who's there?'_ she asked as she took a mental gulp.

' _Why it's the one you thought you could kill my dear. Don't you know I CANNOT DIE! I AM LORD VOLDEMORT! NOONE CAN KILL ME!'_ he said with manic laughter that echoed in Hermione's head.

' _SHIT! It's like that bloody locket! OH NO I'm A HORCRUX! I MUST"VE DIED! I DON"T WANT TO BE DEAD! I DON"T WANT TO BE A HORCRUX'_ Hermione thought hysterically.

' _SHUT UP! You are clearly very much alive otherwise I wouldn't be able to read your thoughts! Wait a second…Wait a bloody second! How do you know about horcruxes? Are you trying to find them? Are you trying to kill me? Oh YOU BLOODY BITCH! WAIT UNTIL I GET OUT OF THIS BLOODY BODY BIND! I AM GOING TO CRUCIO YOU TO INSANITY! MARK MY WORDS! I WILL DESTROY YOU! OW! MY BOODY HEAD! WHAT IN THE FIRIEST HELL DID YOU DO TO ME'_ Voldemort screamed in his head.

' _Well you see… it's really a funny story….I saw that you were about to kill my best friend and well I thought it would be a good idea to….well…'_ Hermione drifted off as her eyes moved to the skillet near his skull.

' _WELL WHAT? My patience is growing thin girl.' Voldemort thought._

' _You have patience?'_ Hermione thought bravely.

' _TELL ME NOW!'_ he roared in his mind.

' _Alright! Arlight! Calm down you are going to give yourself wrinkles._ ' Hermione thought to him. Hermione has come to the conclusion that if he can't move he can't hurt her. Her Gryffindor crazy…uh…courage decided to make an appearance.

' _Well you see, I couldn't exactly have you killing my best friend. I don't have many friends really so they all kind of count. So I hit you in the head with a skillet! The rest after that is slightly blurry but I'm pretty sure you are going to be very sore once you are able to move again'_ she said with a mental smirk.

' _I'm sorry did you say that you hit me in the head with a skillet? A skillet? A FUCKING SKILLET! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND! YOU COULD"VE KILLED ME! YOU COULD"VE GIVEN ME BRAIN DAMAGE! I WILL NOT BE A FUCKNG VEGETABLE!'_ he shrilled in her head.

' _Oh please! Apparently I didn't hit you hard enough because you are still in my FUCKING HEAD you bloody wanker!'_ she screeched back.

' _Take it back!'_ Voldemort thought in anger.

' _Take what back?'_ Hermione asked in confusion. All the while she was able to move her middle and ring fingers now.

' _You heard me! TAKE IT BACK! TAKE IT BACK'_ he screamed.

' _TAKE WHAT BACK!'_ she screamed back in frustration.

' _You called me a wanker! TAKE IT BACK'_ he yelled again.

' _Really? Out of all of this that is what bothers you? Hmm…how about NO!'_ she thought.

' _What do you mean no? TAKE IT BACK'_ he thought again.

' _No.'_

' _Yes'_

' _NO'_

' _YES!'_

' _NO NO NO NO NO NO!'_ she thought very loudly.

' _ARGH! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I AM GOING TO DANCE IN YOUR FUCKING BLOOD! AHHH'_ he vocally thought.

' _You know for a dark and evil genius….you really are a drama queen.'_ She thought.

' _Am not!'_

' _Are too'_

' _Am not!'_

' _AM NOT TIMES INFINITY! HA!'_

' _And quite childish.'_ She thought with a smirk in her head.

If Hermione would've known how much fun and how easy it was to rile up Voldemort, she would've done it ages ago.

' _Between you and that bloody couple, I swear I am going barmy. What are they bloody arguing about anyway?'_ Voldemort asked almost civilly.

.

"YOU HAD YOUR HAND UP HER SKIRT!" Amelia yelled.

"THAT WAS WAY AFTER!" he yelled back.

"IT WAS AN HOUR LATER! YOU BLOODY FUCKING NUMSKULL" she yelled back.

.

' _Whoever he is…sounds like a right jerk if you ask me. I hope she hexes him.'_ Hermione thought again.

' _I hope he kills her.'_ Voldemort thought.

' _That's horrible!'_ Hermione gasped.

' _Hello! I'm Lord Voldemort! I KILL people for fun! Don't believe we've met? OF COURSE IT'S HORRIBLE YOU STUPID CHIT I AM THE FUCKING DARK LORD!_

' _DON'T CALL ME STUPID!'_ she yelled in her head.

' _STUPID STUPID STUPID!'_ he thought joyfully.

' _YEAH? WELL I BEAT YOUR OWLS! SO THERE!'_ Hermione screeched back.

' _LIAR! I HAD NINE BLOODY OWLS! NOONE HAS EVER COME CLOSE TO THAT!'_ he thought.

' _YEAH! WELL I DID! I HAD TEN! THAT"S RIGHT TEN O's and ONE E! BEAT THAT YOU WANKER! HA'_ she thought gleefully!

.

As the two couples continued on, the Aurors and James finally took notice of their chief standing in the doorway. Immediately, they straightened.

"YOU BLOODY FUCKING CAD!" Amelia shouted with sweat dripping off her brow.

"Ahem"

Sirius and Amelia both froze in there spots.

"Amelia what in Merlin's name are you wearing?" The Chief of the Aurors asked.

"I was on a date ma'am" Amelia whispered while staring at her feet.

"Please tell me it wasn't with that Lockhart boy again." The Chief asked with a sneer.

"Yes ma'am."

"Haven't I told you repeatedly, that a man with a talent of memory charms is not worth your time?" The chief asked.

"Yes ma'am."

"Get rid of him. Sirius! My darling boy how are you?" The chief asked.

"Doing fine Chief. How about you? How's your son doing?" Sirius asked with a polite smile.

"He's as well as to be expected. Being out of the field is driving him up the walls of course! And dear Allie much the same. Although my grandson is starting to show signs of magic!" The Chief said with a rare show of emotion.

"That's great Chief!" Sirius said with a smile.

"Indeed Sirius. Jamie sweetheart! How is my favorite godson?" The Chief asked stepping closer to James with her arms wide.

James laughed and said "I'm your only godson."

"Thank Merlin for that! Between you boys growing up, it keeps a woman on her toes you know!" The chief laughed.

"Now what seems to be the trouble here." She asked.

Suddenly the Chief stood taller and took on a cold expression as Lily walked into the room.

"Miss Evans" the chief said snootily.

"Madame Longbottom" Lily replied through her teeth.

.

Madame Longbottom sniffed and turned back to James.

"What seems to be the trouble dear?" she asked sweetly as Lily grinded her teeth and balled her fists.

James awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck and began explaining everything to his godmother.

"A skillet you say?" Madame Longbottom said in astonishment.

"It's true!" James said earnestly.

James lead the group around the dining table to the still frozen couple.

"Why is she on top of Voldemort?" Amelia asked.

"Well….you… see….she kind of….um…" James drifted off.

"IT WAS BLOODY AMAZING! When I got here she was beating the bloody shit out of him!" Sirius exclaimed with laughter.

.

' _Oh god. Oh god. This is it I am so dead!'_ Hermione thought to herself. Thankfully from the stress of finding out about his beaten OWL scores, Voldemort passed out again.

.

"How long have they been like this?" Madame Longbottom asked.

"Uhhh…." Sirius and James looked at eachother.

"About thirty minutes" Lily chimed in.

"I see. Jamie this is extraordinary magic! I'm so proud of you." Madame Longbottom said.

"Uh…" James looked at Lily.

"Actually Lily cast it." James said.

"Ah…well it's mediocre at best. Any small minded witch can cast a simple binding charm." Madame Longbottom replied.

Lily clenched her fists and went to take a step forward when James grabbed her arm.

Madame Longbottom moved closer to the bodies and pulled out her wand. Just as she was about to undo the spell, the floo sounded again.

.

"HARRY! HARRY WHERE ARE YE?" came a frantic bellow from the floo room.

"Hagrid be calm. I am sure young Harry is fine." Came a soft yet powerful voice.

"In here Albus!" Madame Longbottom called out.

.

A very tall and large man came stomping into the room. His beard and hair were like and grizzly like.

"JAMES! LILY! YER ALIVE! YER ALRIGHT!" Hagrid yelled while quickly grabbing Harry and Lily into a shared bear hug.

Gasping for breath James said "Yeah…Hagrid…we are….fine! Please…let us go!"

"Hagrid! You oaf! Put the poor boy down! He can't breathe!" Madame Longbottom said with a frown.

"Right! Sorry Chief!" Hagrid said in his heavy accent.

"Why…does…everyone think….we died?" James asked as he gasped for breath. Lily wasn't fairing much better.

.

Meanwhile, a man in bright fushia robes with little twinkling stars, glided into the room.

"I see everything is under control here. Hagrid let's be going." Dumbledore turned to leave when Sirius called out.

"OI! Wait a minute!" Sirius called out, but before he could finish Hagrid's eyes widened and he swung a meaty hand and knocked Sirius out cold. Unfortunately, he landed right next to the still frozen couple on the floor.

.

' _Hagrid? Albus? NO! No it can't be.'_ Hermione thought in shock as her eyes took in the young but unforgettable face of Sirius Black.

Whether it's from the shock of seeing the face of her best friend's very dead godfather, or pure exhaustion, Hermione followed Voldemort's lead and passed out.

.

(A/N Originally this is where chapter 3 was going to end…but I changed my mind)

.

Gasps rang out across the room.

"Hagrid!" Lily gasped. "What in merlin's name possessed you to hit Sirius?" she asked while quickly checking Sirius over.

"Well it was only righ'. He betrayed you and James to Voldemort!" Hagrid said while cracking his knuckles as if getting ready to pound Sirius.

"Hagrid….Sirius didn't betray us!" James said in confusion.

"Yea' he did! He told him where yer were livin! That be betrayal that is!" Hagrid said in finality.

"Hagrid…Sirius couldn't have possibly told anyone let alone Voldemort where we are hiding." Lily said calmly.

"But Dumbledore said…" Hagrid was honestly confused.

"Hagrid. Sirius isn't our secret keeper." James said while patting Hagrid on the arm.

.

All the while, Dumbledore had slowly started making his way to the exit. Madame Longbottom caught him.

"Hold it Albus! What is this man speaking about?" she asked in a dead calm.

"Well it must all be a misunderstanding really." Albus said while waving his hands around in only the way Albus Dumbledore can.

"Hagrid you must have misheard me isn't that right?" Albus said while looking at Hagrid with a tight smile.

"Er…I guess so." Hagrid replied.

"Good now that that is all settled. I really must be getting back. The school children you know." Albus said while once again turning his back.

"Wait! What about Voldemort?" Amelia spoke up.

.

Dumbledore's shoulders were up to his ears at the sound of being called back yet again. He slowly dropped them and spun back around.

"What about him?" he asked.

"Well he's here and he's frozen." Amelia continued.

.

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows and gently scratched his beard. He made his way toward the group and looked at the frozen yet unconscious couple.

"I see. Who is the girl?" Dumbledore asked.

"Why she is the skillet wielder of course!" One of the aurors said, but quickly quieted down with a glare from Madame Longbottom.

"She saved my life!" James said.

"I see. Is she a muggle?" Dumbledore asked,

"I'm not sure. I've never met her before, but let me tell you what a lasting first impression I say." James replied.

.

At this point in time, Dumbledore was very curious about this young lady who seemed to come out of nowhere and well attacked a powerful dark wizard quite viciously with a cooking tool.

Well than let's wake them up shall we?" Dumbledore took out his wand and immediately the spell binding the two together was undone.

Hermione slumped to the side of Voldemort and landed on Sirius' lap. If only Sirius would have been conscious he would've been quite…pleased with the arrangement.

.

"Quickly! Bind Voldemort again!" Madame Longbottom snapped to the aurors. The three pulled out their wands and bound Voldemort with every binding spell they knew. With a final 'stupefy' from Madame Longbottom herself, she ordered two of the aurors to take him to Azkaban.

"Amelia go along to make sure there is no funny business!" she ordered.

"Yes ma'am" she replied.

.

The two aurors made their way to the floo room as Amelia levitated the Dark Lord behind. Occasionally bumping him into walls. "OOPS" was Amelia's only words as they flooed off to Azkaban.

"Now than, lets wake the girl." Madame Longbottom said while pointing her wand at the girl.

.

The other auror and Lily both had their wands at the ready. James was watching in anticipation to meet his savior, Hagrid just stared on. Strange stare really. Dumbledore took it upon himself to have a seat at the long table.  
"Renervate", Madame Longbottom whispered.

.

A groan filled the room as Hermione sat up holding her head, she was unaware that the hand she used to prop herself up was pushing against Sirius's stomach.

"Bloody hell! My head is killing me!" Hermione groaned out.

She looked around the room and recognized Hagrid, Harry and Ginny.

"Harry! You're alright!" she yelped in joy and with an amazing energy boost was on her feet and hugging James.

"I must've bumped my head when I fell with that snake! I had the strangest dream!" Hermione said while drawing back from the hug too look at Harry.

"Harry what happened to your eyes?" she asked quietly while touching his face.

.

James was unsure of what to say or do. Here this girl, his savior is hugging him and touching him while his wife was standing no more than two feet away. On top of that she was calling him his son's name.

.

"Err…." He said while looking helplessly to Lily, who from the scene had crossed her arms and scowled.

"I believe an explanation is needed here my dear." Came the voice of Albus Dumbledore.

"Impossible." Hermione gasped as she looked towards the voice.

"You are supposed to be dead." She whispered while covering her mouth and backing away only to stumble and fall over Sirius.

At those words, the wands were trained skillfully on Hermione.

"What do you mean dead?" Madame Longbottom said with steel in her voice.

"He… he…d..di..died in my sixth year." Hermione struggle to move back on the floor. Her hand came upon the skillet. She didn't dare lift it.

"Now my dear, I am clearly very much alive" Dumbledore said kindly.

"What…what date is it?" she asked solemnly already knowing she has travelled to far back.

"Why it is Halloween of course. 1981." Hagrid chimed in.

Hermione struggled to her knees keeping the skillet hidden behind her as she was having a nervous breakdown.

"I… I think I'm going to be sick!" with that said Hermione vomited on the floor and accidently all over Sirius' prized possession. His hair. Once she was finished dry heaving, she started to sob.

Dumbledore stood from his chair and circled around the table. He bent near the sobbing girl and lifted her chin. The others in the room held their wands steady.

"There there child. Tell me what ails you so." Dumbledore asked softly.

.

"I… I'm not meant to be here! I was born in 1979. Harry and I were here. We were fighting Voldemort's snake and and… How did I get here? Where's Harry? We have to finish the mission!" she said quickly. Her eyes darted around the room as if searching for her dear Harry.

"What mission?" Dumbledore asked intrigued.

"The one you set of course! We have to destroy the Horcruxes! It's the only way!" she said hysterically. The tears were coming full on now.

"Is she telling the truth, Albus?" Madame Longbottom asked.

"My child I'm going to search through your memories now." Dumbledore said and without further warning he dived into her mind. He saw himself dead on the ground, he saw Harry and a ginger fellow. He continued on watching as scene upon scene unfolded. Finally ending with the scene of her attacking Voldemort.

.

Dumbledore sat back on his heels and breathed deeply.

"Well?" James asked in anxiousness.

"She is….lying. She is working for Voldemort. This was a set up! She wasn't trying to protect you James. Something went wrong and she was hit with a confundus! Andrews! Quick take her to Azakaban!" Dumbledore bellowed. The auror went to move in.

.

"WHAT! What are you talking about? YOU SAW THEM! YOU SAW THEM ALL! I'M TELLING THE TRUTH!" Hermione screamed as the auror went to grab her. She punched him and jumped to her feet with the skillet in hand.

"My dear you are so very confused, but you are unfortunately the enemy!" Dumbledore pronounced while getting to his feet. He placed his hands out palms down as if to calm her.

Hagrid was moving closer to try and block her path from running. Lily and Madame Longbottom were knocked out of their shock stupor and James well James was standing by idly watching the entire scene unfold.

"I'M TELLING THE TRUTH!" Hermione screamed. "WHY ARE YOU LYING? HEADMASTER PLEASE!" she begged.

"I'm sorry but it's for the greater good." Dumbledore said in a whisper that no one else heard.

In a fit of rage Hermione swung her skillet.

.

.WACK!

.

Hermione had done the unthinkable. She had just attacked Albus Dumbledore. Dumbledore went down with a groan that sounded an awful lot like _shit_. Everyone in the room was in shock.

.

"Oh my god. Oh my god. I just attacked Dumbledore!" Hermione whispered to herself as she dropped the skillet to the ground to cover her mouth. Tears were streaming down her face. Madame Longbottom snapped out of her shock and began barking orders.

.

"Hagrid get Albus to that chair! James fetch him some water! Evans! Make yourself useful and do something! Shacklebolt get over here and cuff her!" she screamed.

.

Due to Hermione's shock, she let the now young Kingsley Shacklebolt cuff her. He was leading her out of the room when a thought came to her.

.

"Wait! WAIT! PLEASE! AUGUSTA!" the room froze at Madame Longbottom's given name coming from the young girl's mouth.

Madame Longbottom moved swiftly across the room and started Hermione down. Hermione flinched but kept her gaze.

"How dare you use my given name!" she spat.

"Please! I went to school with Neville, I know that you own a green dress, a red bag and vulture hat!" Hermione said shakily.

.

Madame Longbottom's eyes widened. No one could possibly know that she had seen a hat with a vulture on it just that afternoon! A hat she had planned to purchase the following day.

"What color was the feather?" she asked quietly.

"It was black." Hermione replied shakily. "Please! Your son is in danger! Bellatrix LeStrange will be there tonight! Maybe now even! Her and her husband will torture then to insanity" Hermione whispered quietly.

"Why should I believe you?" Madame Longbottom asked her.

"Because….your son owns a wand that is 11 inches long and is made of oak and a single unicorn hair. You gave it to Neville to honor his father. Please you must hurry!" Hermione whispered again.

.

Madame Longbottom stood tall and took a glance around the room. Everyone but Shacklebolt was focused on Dumbledore. She quickly turned back around to Hermione.

"One last question. Neville had his naming earlier this afternoon, the only ones present were myself, Frank and my daughter in law. What is the middle name of my grandson?" she asked in stubborn refusal to believe her.

.

"Francis" Hermione whispered so softly, Madame Longbottom had to strain to hear her. "In honor or your late husband." She finished.

Madame Longbottom took a deep breath.

"Take her to Azkaban." She said firmly to Shacklebolt.

"Ma'am" was his only response.

"WAIT! PLEASE NO! I'M NOT LYING! PLEASE DON"T DO THIS!" Hermione screamed all the way through the floo.

.

Madame Longbottom took a shaky breath and produced a corporeal patronus. A large Vulture flapped near her. "All aurors on deck! To the estate of Longbottom NOW!" she sent off her patronus into the night. "Merlin I hope she's wrong."

.

Turning back to the dining room, Madame Longbottom made her way to the group surrounding Albus.

"Well the prisoners have been taken to Azkaban. I need to get back and file all of the paperwork. Albus are you alright?" she asked.

"Yes Madame. Just a slight bump, nothing a good brandy won't fix. I fear I have been hit with much worse in my time. Hagrid I am suddenly ready to leave." He said while standing up with a wobble.

'Of course Headmaster!" Hagrid replied while helping Dumbledore stay steady.

"James, Lily it is imperative that you stay safe. For young Harry's sake." Dumbledore said while eyeing them speculatively.

As Dumbledore and Hagrid made their way to the floo you could clearly hear them discussing:

"A skillet Hagrid. I do believe that is one for the books." Dumbledore said.

The floo sounded signaling their departure.

.

"Godmother…." James started.

"I know James. I know." She sighed. "Goodnight and do be careful. You never know who you can trust in these dark times." She finished.

The floo activated again leaving the three young adults alone. A groan came from the floor. James and Lily took one long look at each other. A silent conversation that ended with the same question. Why was Dumbledore lying?

.

"James?" Sirius groaned.

"Yeah mate?" he responded quickly leaning down to help Sirius sit up.

"What happened and why do I smell vomit?" Sirius asked.

James and Lily took the reprieved and laughed.

.

.

When asked about Madame Longbottom, Lily sighed and told the story of their….bitter history. "It all happened in third year. Frank had asked me to go to Hogsmeade and I said yes. I thought we were going as friends but he showed up in fancy wizarding robes and a bouquet of roses. It was humiliating, we walked all around the shops, but he kept trying to hold my hand. I dodged him at every turn until….well I kind of…maybe….just a little bit….well shouted at him. At the time I was shouting…well Madame Longbottom had come out of bookstore and well she saw Frank's downtrodden face and well she berated me…a lot. Then she went on to loudly state how uncouth and mannish I was, and that I should realize a fine catch when I see one. From that moment on well we've never really seen eye to eye. I almost didn't marry James when I found out she was his godmother. It was god awful. She wore black to our wedding. Black veil and all! Can you believe it? It didn't seem to matter that Frank was happily married to Alice at the time. Nope didn't matter a smidge. That woman can hold a serious grudge. May her enemies beware of her brutal grudges."

.

.

.A/N well there you have it! Let me know what you think all reviews are accepted of course. Up next: will the Longbottoms make it out alright? Will the third marauder finally make an appearance? How is Hermione doing behind bars?


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